Everything I've learned in life, I learned from Tommy Boy

I was watching SNL's best moments of all times thingy the other night. And I LOVE Chris Farley. He is the BEST in Tommy Boy. You really DO NOT want to EVER watch that movie with me. I will repeat it word for word from beginning to end. What can I say? I love that movie.

So, I've put together a little "All I need to know in life, I learned in ......" thingy's. So, enjoy...(in no particular order)

Tommy- "Hi, how are ya?"

Richard- "Sir, I need your John Hancock"
Tommy- "John Hancock, it's Herbie Hancock"

Richard- "ok folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he'll be taking you through my little shpeel here, Tommy is a Scorpio and he likes hiking and he has never been laid ... exits ... ok there is one back here and there is probably one over by the wing, somewhere, usually ... and what about seat belts, to fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and ... hey you know what, if you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer 'cause you're a retard ... ok, and life preservers, these we may need ... although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake, my money says if anything its gonna be a mountain ...

Tommy-"I'm a maniac, maniac and I'm dancing like I've never danced before.

Paul- "Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?"

Tommy-"Where are we going to take the deer?"
Richard- "I dont know... the vet?"

Tommy-You take dead animals to the vet?

Richard-Why not? We take you to the vet.

Tommy-Yeah... I'll take you to the...

Richard- Got that?

Tommy- Shut-up

Tommy- "Hey Richard, is this your coat?"
Richard- "take it off d*** head

Tommy- Fat guy in a little coat

Richard- take it off, I'm serious

Tommy- Fat guy in a little coat, fat guy in a little coat. Richard, whats happen...(split/rip) uh-oh

Tommy- Hey, does this coat make me look fat?

Richard- No No... Your face does

Tommy- Holy Schnikies- is that for me?

Big Tom- No son, thats for me

Richard- ... now I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being not slim, but we got to work a little today, ok

Tommy-... I was checking the a ... specs on the end line, for the rotary, girder, I'm retarded, I ...

Tommy- Richard, check out my new office

Richard-you have a window, and why shouldn't you, you have been here 10 minutes ...

Richard- its called reading, top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence, take tylenol for any headaches, midol for any cramps ...

Tommy- Shut up, Richard

Tommy- I can put 6 cans of b... soda in here

Richard- maybe, I guess you should have called

T-I did call, earlier, when using the phone

R-earlier? when was that?

T-or later, when, then I left a message

R- a message? what number did you call?

T-2,4,9er, 5, 6, 7, 8

R-I can't hear you, you're trailing off, did I catch a 9er in there? Were you calling from a walkie talkie?

T-No, it was cordless

T-
... I'll tell you what, you can take a good look at a butcher's a** by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?
Auto Store Manager:
... what, I am having trouble making the connection here ...
T:
... no, I mean you can take a good look at a t-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's a**, but then ... no, it's got to be your bull ...

R-wow

T-did you hear i finally graduated?

R-yeah, and just a shade under a decade, alright.

T-you know a lot of people go to college for 7 years

R-yeah, they're called doctors

T-What'd you do?!

T-If I wanted a kiss I would have called your mother

Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.

Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.

Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.

Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted? [chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing too]

Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?

Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.

Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of s***. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.

Tommy: Well, that's...

Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?

R-ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter

Michelle-Listen up you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep and I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they've seen what I've done to you!!

Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately poor into an open slot]

Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.

Richard Hayden: Are you talking?

Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

R-You have derailed

T- Shut up Richard

T-"Excuse me, could you show me where the weight room is?"

T- Richard, whose your favorite little rascal?Alfalfa or is it spanky? Sinner...

As you can see, 1) I am freakishly obsessed with the movie Tommy Boy

2) some of the quotes are from other websites. The conversations were way too long to have me write them all down. There are THOUSANDS more quotes that I could totally recite for you. But i think this is long enough for now.